NightHumor - Everything is fun when you're tired. The best and funniest picdumps, pictures, videos and quotes. updated all the time.

Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Cheap Beer

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“One penny?!” exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, “Yes.”

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“Four cents,” he replies.

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.

“Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

Posted in: Bar Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes / Tagged: ,


5 Stages Of Being Drunk

Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT.

And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know allthe words.

Posted in: Bar Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes / Tagged: , ,


Make My Horse Laugh

There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure.

The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse’s ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guys walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks. The next night the same guy and the same thing happens.

The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes out side and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying.

The bartender says ‘o.k. you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.’

The cowboy said, ‘I told him my privates are bigger than his.’

‘O.K. but how did you make him cry?’

The cowboy replied, ‘I proved it to him.’

Posted in: Bar Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes / Tagged: , ,


12 Stages Of Drunkeness

0 – Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 – Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 – Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 – Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 – Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 – Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 – Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 – Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 – Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 – Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, “That’s much better”. Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 – Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender’s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 – Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 – Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can’t get key in door. Realize you’ve given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

Posted in: Bar Jokes, Funny Jokes / Tagged: