Dec 302013
 

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly!

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable a*sshole!” she screamed.

“That’s funny,” he muttered, “You even sound exactly like her!”

Dec 252013
 

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.

She takes one look at him.

“You, sir, are drunk!”

“And you ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”

Dec 202013
 

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible.

What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months?

How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “nothing!”

Dec 152013
 

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he’s okay. “No, I’m not,” the guy replies.

“I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.”

“Well,” asks the bartender, “what did you say to your wife?”

“Nothing. I’m not speaking to that bitch anymore.”

“Well, what did you say to your best friend?”

“BAD DOG! BAD DOG!”